


I ain't a ghost of your past (can you see me?)

by mammoon (moonsjin)



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt/Comfort, No beta we die like lilith, the brothers and mc gotta work through shit before things can get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25598578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsjin/pseuds/mammoon
Summary: They feel like they're disappearing sometimes. Like you could look through them, and never see them. Maybe they are. Maybe all they'll ever see is their long-lost sister. Maybe the brothers never actually cared for them at all. They don't know how to deal with that. So they run. They run to find someone that can see them.Or Makoto feels like the brothers look at them and see a chance at redemption for failing their little sister the first time. Makoto takes a breather and Purgatory Hall becomes their temporary home. And the author writes what she's been craving to read. (Spoilers for Lesson 16!)
Relationships: Main Character & Luke (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character & Simeon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character & Solomon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character/Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Simeon/Solomon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	I ain't a ghost of your past (can you see me?)

**Author's Note:**

> I got to lesson 16 and they started talking about Lilith and my immediate reaction was "I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ANOTHER YOOSUNG AND RIKA SITUATION FUCK" so here we are uh. One of my favourite tropes is seeing a ghost in someone, it makes for good angst. I kind of just threw everything onto a document. I hope you enjoy this!

Mammon has noticed the change in their attitude these past few days. But what he doesn't understand is why. 

They keep their interactions with the brothers to a minimum. Their door is always closed and locked whenever they're inside their own room. They barely stick around for a proper conversation to flourish and as the days go by, Mammon can see that they're having trouble looking at any of the brothers in the eyes. 

It hurts kind of. It hurts a lot. 

Especially after the whole Belphegor and pact thing. They promise to have no secrets against each other anymore. So why does it feel like Makoto is going through something behind their closed doors, and why are they so determined to go through this alone. Their friends aren't they? They're supposed to help each other out. Okay maybe they're leading into something more than friends but that's a conversation for another day. 

So naturally. He decides to ask. He trusts Makoto to tell him the truth. And he hopes they trust him to assist them in whatever they have going on. So he eats faster than them at dinner and excuses himself only to wait outside the dining hall for them.

He only has to wait a few minutes before Makoto storms past them. They don't even acknowledge them and moves straight to the hallways. Mammon is surprised that he actually has to move quickly to catch up to them "Yo, Makoto! Wait up!"

They don't listen, they continue down the winding hallways of the House of Lamentation to a more secluded spot in the house, Mammon pesters them the whole time they're walking. "You can't hide from me, Makoto. I know you're not feeling okay, and I'm here if you need to talk about it. You told me that there aren't any more secrets between us, and I'm just here to make sure that the deal hasn't changed. You _promised_. Come on! And especially now that we know your Lilith's long-lost descendant we should-" 

"Shut up, Mammon." He immediately realizes that he had said something wrong. He almost runs into Makoto's shaking back with how abrupt they had stopped. Mammon eyes their clenched fists and takes a step back to give them space. He waits for them to turn around but they never do. 

Mammon sighs softly "What aren't you telling-"

He almost flinches when Makoto snaps their head to face him. They look like they're about to explode. Even then, Mammon isn't prepared when they actually do, "I'm _not_ Lilith! And I am _never_ going to be her!"

He's shocked, for a lack of a better word. He's never heard them yell at him like that before. Not with bitterness and apologetic anger in their tone. It's something akin to heartbreak and it shatters him. "I know that." He responds quietly, barely above a whisper. He hates how weak it sounds even to his own ears; it's not even very convincing but it just comes out of him without much thought.

Makoto shakes their head sadly, "No you _don't_. _None_ of you do. Diavolo practically made me a Lilith replacement when we first found out saying all that shit about you guys finally being able to do everything you had wanted with Lilith. Just now Belphegor and Lucifer offered me some forbidden fruit because "I used to like them". You were there when I threw up after I took a bite out of one, Mammon, _everyone_ was and now-" Makoto cuts themselves off, covering the top half of their face with a hand, almost clawing into their skin, the other gripping tightly at their own waist. They laugh wetly, like their holding back a sob.

Mammon wants to reach out to comfort them and to bring those gripping hands away so they don't draw _blood_ but he is so _terrified_ that he's going to do something wrong and hurt Makoto even further. He's never seen Makoto like this. They've been brave, stubborn, caring, affectionate, but never this angry or this bitter or this _hurt_. And he just doesn't know what to _do_. Makoto eventually shakes their head and looks back up at him, and their gaze just turns sadder when they meet Mammon's, their eyes wet "Ever since we found out I'm a distant descendant of her all of you have been looking at me like if you stare long and hard enough Lilith is going to pop in my place. And I get it, okay? I _do_. You miss your sister. I understand but don't go taking out what you feel onto _me_. I'm my own person and I exist separately from her."

He doesn't know how to put into words how that is not something he wishes. He would not be able to take another loss like that again, but his human continues with their thoughts before he could even begin to gather his. 

"I'm no different than the puny little human you met all those months ago. But suddenly you guys are looking at me and treating me like I'm worth something. Especially Belphegor! He _killed_ me a few days ago and suddenly he's being nice to me. And it hurts like a _motherfucker_ because I know it's not because you actually care about _me_ , but it's because you all deeply love your sister." Makoto clutches at their chest, and it looks like they're trying to claw their heart out, "And It hurts so badly and so much that I don't even know what to do with myself. So fuck me if I need time away from you guys to process everything and deal with this shit."

"I can't be her. But aren't I enough to be worth something on my own to all of you? Did you guys actually care about me at all?" And he wants to tell them that yes, of course, there's no question about it because they're worth _everything_ now but he stays quiet because Makoto obviously has more things to say, and he doesn't want to make them feel he's talking over them. 

"I'm not Lilith, Mammon. And I'm sorry that I can't bring your sister back. I'm sorry I'll never live up to your expectations of her. But I can't do anything else but live for myself and live my own life as me. Not for or as anyone else. I'm _me_. I'm _Makoto_. Why can't you see me? _Please see me_." They're begging, Mammon realizes as his eyes widen. He hasn't noticed that his human was feeling this way. He didn't even know _he_ was acting that way. He loathes that they have made Makoto feel like they're disappearing into a shadow left by the past, trying to break free of shackles they were thrust into. And he _wants_ to tell them, _fuck_ , he wants to tell them so badly that he can see them, that he doesn't see the shadow.

But that's not entirely true, is it?

Mammon is self-aware enough to know that lately, ever since the reveal when he looks at Makoto, he's beginning to notice the likeness between them and his sister. He's been thinking about Lilith's eyes and her smile and her laugh and how it's all so clearly seen in Makoto. He thinks about Makoto's stubbornness and immense capacity to love and instead of thinking about how those things are what makes up Makoto, it reminds him of how Lilith used to be and... maybe Makoto is right about how they've been treating them these past few days. 

He sees the moment that Makoto notices his hesitation, his lack of assuredness, his _failure_ to see them for what they are. He sees it because their eyes visibly shut down, and they step away further and further away from him. They feel so horribly out of reach and Mammon is at a loss because he doesn't know what to say or do.

He watches in horror as walls are built for the first time. They're so high, higher than he thought possible from you; higher than he thought possible from anyone.

"Okay. I don't know. I don't know. Sorry, but-. No. I can't-" Makoto runs their hands over their face, wiping away the stray tears and hiding there for a moment, before looking up and turning away. "I just. Leave me alone. Don't follow me." He didn't know what to do, so Makoto makes the decision for him, it seems. Mammon can feel the grips of their pact wrap around him, preventing from making any move forward, no matter how much he tugs at his own limbs, no matter how much he strains his legs to lift a foot in Makoto's direction, he can't do anything, but watch Makoto walk away.

It's the worst form of torture, he thinks. The more they walk away, the more it feels like he's losing something precious. 

* * *

The moment Makoto steps into their room and closes the door, they fall apart and curl into a ball, muffling their own sobs against their knees and hiding in their own arms.

Everything would be so much easier if they didn't care about what the brothers thought about them. Everything would just be so much easier if they didn't fool themselves into thinking that the demons could ever care for them because they just care about _them_. There always had to be a catch, they laugh bitterly, there's no possibility for them to care about _Makoto_ now when all they have to do is care about their dear sister's chosen one. 

They're _alone_ in the Devildom, they realize. If this continues, they won't be strong enough to keep themselves from fading away. 

"I wish you had chosen someone else, Lilith. I'm glad your family is back in one piece but I can't do this anymore." they mutter to nothing else but the darkness of their room, "I'm tired. I don't want to be you. Sorry." They spend a few more moments in the darkness before getting up on shaky legs towards a duffle bag Mammon had bought for them one time "just in case they would need it for a heist".

They open up the zipper and start throwing any article of throwing they can grab from their closet, wiping away tears haphazardly in the process, until the duffle is filled to the brim with articles of clothing and underwear. They stuff their wallet in there before they close the duffle and walk over to the large window across from their bed.

This could be the best decision they ever made. This could be the biggest mistake they will ever make for the rest of their life but they _need to get away from here_.

Makoto takes a deep breath before opening the window and clambering out of it. 

For the first time in a long time, for the first time ever since everyone found out about their heritage, they don't feel suffocated. Like the weight on their chest and their shoulders that comes from watching eyes on their figure and the expectations to be something, they can never be.

For the first time in a long time, they get a taste of what it means to be free. 

* * *

"Luke you may have your reservations about demons and the Devildom but you must admit the food here is quite delightful." Simeon grins at the fuming younger angel who seems to have an eternal pout whenever he finds something that he genuinely _likes_ about being a transfer student. 

Luke scowl grows even deeper. Well. It's not really a scowl in the first place. Luke's child-like form lacks a certain... intimidation factor and it's easy to get under his skin. Unfortunately, Solomon uses that fact to his own entertainment freely.

"Watch out Luke, you might find yourself wanting to stay here _forever_." Solomon sing-songs and laughs joyously as Luke reaches from Simeon's left side to try and land a punch on Solomon's arm. His laugh is delightful, Simeon thinks off-handedly as Solomon and Luke chase after each other around him, one giggling mischievously and the other fuming.

"Take that back! I'm _never_ going to live here! I _hate_ it here." Luke lunges again at him but Solomon quickly dodges and hides behind Simeon, his hands coming up to grip Simeon's shoulders, effectively getting him to stop walking. The angel hopes that fact about angels not being able to blush in this form is true as he feels the heat travel from his jaw to his cheeks to the tips of his ears. 

The sorcerer laughs near Simeon's ears and the angel feels like he's about to combust, "I don't know, Fido, angels live for a pretty long time. You could change your mind?"

Simeon almost coos at how red Luke's face gets and how he could easily imagine smoke coming out of his ears. But he decides to be the responsible one and pats Solomon's hip with one of his hands in admonishment. "Come on, stop teasing Luke. At this point, we're never going to get home with how you two are bickering."

Solomon listens to him easily enough, sliding his hands away from his shoulders and coming out to stand beside Simeon with a cheeky smile on his face. Luke just huffs and begins walking in the direction of Purgatory Hall.

Simeon has barely taken another step when he hears it. He snaps his head towards the growling and the choking sounds coming from an alley down the street. He doesn't say a word before dashing off towards the noises. He trusts Luke and Solomon to follow him regardless of his own strange behaviour. 

They're not expecting to see what they see when they finally round the corner.

It's Makoto, held up against the wall by their throat, their eyes glazed over as they kick and punch at the chest of their assaulter. Even from a distance, Simeon can see the gritted teeth and the tense muscles, but to his own surprise, Makoto doesn't necessarily seem _scared_. Which is... well, Simeon would have expected Makoto to have some sort of response to being strangled again especially after what had happened the last time they got strangled (and look, angels don't have the best understanding of human mortality but he would assume that experiencing death and then coming back would bring out more emotion than what he's witnessing right now).

It's Solomon that moves from where they stand first, muttering an incantation to loosen the grip they had on Makoto's throat, allowing Makoto to plant a firm kick to the demon's chest, pushing them away as they roughly slide down the brick wall. Solomon places a binding spell on the demon before they could go after their fellow transfer student again. 

Simeon is surprised when the human picks themselves up from the ground and fearlessly walks towards the demon, not even flinching when it bared it's fangs and tried to take a bite out of Makoto's _arm_ (and had it not been for Simeon casting a blocking incantation, Makoto could very well be dealing with a missing arm right now). He knows Solomon would never admit it, but Simeon knows he's either shocked or even a bit impressed with the actions of his fellow human as they watch them snatch back what seems to be a wallet from the demon's grasp before stepping away again.

"Makoto!" the person in question looks up at Luke's call and a small smile graces their face as the young angel bounds over to their friend. 

"Luke! What are you guys doing here?" Makoto pats their jeans and ruffles their hair, seemingly to try to look more put together than they actually were.

"We just came from Hell's Kitchen," Luke answers while the 3 of them watch Makoto pick up a discarded duffle bag from a dark corner and put the wallet into it before coming back to face them. "But what are you doing out this late? Usually, you just stay in the House of Lamentation. I'm surprised the brothers let you out this late."

"They don't get to tell me what to do. I'm not their _dog_." Makoto mutters bitterly. Now this time, Simeon is just confused. He's always assumed that Makoto had a good relationship with the demon brothers and actually enjoyed their company. But now he's not too sure that's the case anymore. 

Luke's cheeks burn red at the familiar yet offensive nickname and shyly puts his head down - like a puppy, Simeon notes, but he doesn't dare say it out loud. "Sorry."

Makoto just shakes their head and grips the strap of the duffle bag even tighter. "No, I'm sorry for saying it like that. Don't worry about it, Luke." The human smiles softly as they reach up their free hand to ruffle the blonde hair sticking out of Luke's hat. The angel lets out an indignant squawk and reflexively bats the offending hand away, his pout looking even more childish.

"But why _are_ you out late? Within the city no less. It's dangerous and you're powerless." Solomon is too blunt and straight to the point, but when Simeon glances at him, there's a familiar curiosity in his eye; as if Makoto is a mystery that needs to be dissected and studied. Which. Well. To be fair. Everything they have seen tonight is going against everything they understood about the second human transfer student. So Simeon has to admit, he as well is quite interested to know why Makoto is out here alone getting strangled with a duffle bag in hand when there are at least 4 demon brothers that would kill anything to keep them safe.

Makoto shifts on their feet refusing to meet any of their eyes. It takes them a few seconds before they speak up, "I was hoping to cheat the portals and go back home."

"Home? To the human world?" Solomon asks, clearly not sure what to do with this strange turn of events. The four of them promised to look out for each other under a sense of camaraderie that comes with being transfer students in a strange world. But the fact is that the three residents of Purgatory Hall haven't had to do anything to look out for Makoto ever since they got here. Mammon was _always_ glued to their side, regardless of whether or not he _needed_ to be with them. And on the rare occasion that they weren't with Mammon, they'd often see them with Leviathan or Beelzebub.

In short, they never had to look out for their fellow transfer student because the brothers had seemed happy to take that responsibility for themselves. 

So when the confirmation comes, "Yeah.", it's like being doused in cold water. They don't... really know what to do. Even Luke, who should be spouting out nonsense about how _of course Makoto would want to leave the Devildom because it stinks!_ isn't saying much; just staring up at Makoto with confused eyes because everyone in the Devildom knows about the strange human who has only been here for months and has already found a home amongst monsters.

So Simeon asks for context, "Why?"

"Because I need to be anywhere else but here right now." Simeon sees walls; walls built up so high that he can barely see through them. They're shaking, built brand new, to serve a purpose they have never been met with before. They are protective and faulty and one wrong hit could hurt anyone involved. 

Solomon seems to be able to see more than Simeon can because he asks the right question, "Do you mean "here" as in the Devildom or "here" as in the House of Lamentation?"

"... The last one." Simeon furrows his brow. Now that really was the last thing he had expected. He may have been nervous for the first few months, to see this powerless human walk side by side with beings that could eat them without a second thought. But he has seen what they could do; what they brought out of the dysfunctional family that lives in the House of Lamentation. He has seen them stand their ground against monsters that could rip them limb from limb and hug the same monsters in the next breath. Now, what could the brothers have done to chase Makoto out of the house in the dead of the night? And more worryingly, what had they done to have Makoto want to run so fast and so far back to the human world, a world that they seemed to forget about half the time that they're here in the Devildom, especially when they were hanging out with the brothers?

Why had Makoto run? What are they running away from? What are they running towards?

Solomon's the one to speak up next, an offer on his lips, "Then why didn't you just ask us to stay at Purgatory Hall for a bit? We needed to pay you back anyways after Luke's stay at the House." 

Makoto bites at their bottom lip, an embarrassed blush travelling up their neck, "This was kind of an impulse decision... I didn't really have the time to think some things through."

Solomon blinks a few times before he walks up to them and reaches for the duffle in their hands. Makoto angles their bag away from him and glowers cautiously and curiously at the advances of the sorcerer. Solomon rolls his eyes before forcefully snatching the duffle into his own hands. "You're coming with us back to Purgatory Hall. You can think things through there." 

Makoto, ever the considerate one, looks at Simeon before they even move, an unspoken question in their eyes, but a question that Simeon knows all the same. "None of us mind, Makoto, you can come back with us." And at the sight of their hesitation, Simeon adds, "It's really okay."

It's only then that Makoto nods and Solomon turns to leave the alley, the duffle bag slung over his shoulder comfortably. Makoto follows in suit and Luke runs up to them to cling onto their arm. The human doesn't seem to mind, in fact, they lean a bit onto Luke's much smaller body. Simeon follows after them quickly sending a silencing and mirage incantation towards the snarling demon left on the ground. He hopes it won't take them too long to find this demon... his incantations could last for centuries. The angel smirks as he walks away.

It seems that he now has to look after his fellow transfer students after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i will address the trauma that comes with dying and then coming back if y'all want me to.
> 
> I'm so MAD. Anyways just tell me if anyone wants more I'll post more about this story I got plans.


End file.
